Confidence: is it a journey or destination?

Lately I’ve been on the never ending roller coaster. You know the kind that just keep going in a bunch of loops, and then when you think the ride has ended; you find yourself dragged away in the opposite direction going through all the damn hills and loops again? Seriously… I don’t like heights, and I just want off!

Yesterday felt like everytime I tried to climb off of it, my seatbelt wouldn’t unhook and the bars wouldn’t lift up! I don’t remember ever being on the verge of a nervous breakdown in my life. Even through my lowest points where I was battling with ED.. I wasn’t that down.

Just to give a little insight into my current situation. I got married almost a year ago. I moved to Florida with my fiancĂ© prior to getting married because we wanted to start our lives in a warm climate. My dream was always to travel. He supported my dream. We lived in Florida, and got married in San Francisco (traveling fools! Yes I know…)During this time he was in the process of going through a change in employment. If he landed the job it would bring it to Georgia for 8 months for training. Well he got it! It’s a major accomplishment, and we’ve been in Georgia since August. Our first year of marriage basically consisted of relocating, and seeing each other once a week due to his schedule. It’s been mind boggling, and crazy. I definitely feel for military spouses. While this journey has humbled me, it has also saddended me. We are set to leave here in a couple weeks, and start our lives again in South Florida.

This process has put my career on hold, but we both made the sacrifice for the betterment of our futures. Not being able to move forward in my career while here has definitely drained my confidence. I find myself talking to the walls, crying and breaking down a lot. I feel lost at times. Yesterday, I was near a breakdown. It feels as it gets closer to the day we are leaving, the harder it gets. I do talk to our dog too, whom is a wonderful Therapawst. Hehe..

You are probably wondering how this all ties in with the confidence thing right? After all, that’s the title of this blog. Well, honestly it was the first thing that came to mind while typing.

When my husband and I met, I was battling ED. I portrayed this image of everything being fine, and I put myself together pretty well on the outside. On the inside, I was suffering. Not depressed like the roller coaster I was on yesterday, but lost. I was trying so hard to find myself, that I just kept getting more lost. I began my recovery in late 2014, and made a promise to myself that I would keep fighting. I had some setbacks through the journey, but it was expected.

Abour a year ago….prior to getting married, I thought to myself one day; what would happen if you just stopped trying to become who you are, and just let the process happen on it’s own? I mean nothing else was working so I decided to go with that.

As I began to just sort of allow myself to feel, to be, to believe, and become whatever I was supposed to become I found that it was more about unbecoming everything I wasn’t to just be who I was in the first place. Kind of ironic.

Within a week of letting go of the obsessions to look a certain way, and be a certain successful I stumbled across and article on Iskra Lawrence. You know her. She’s the beautiful, confident, and stunning aerie model that is all about loving your body and positive vibes. I thought to myself.. ok see what happens when you make room for things to just be? Good things come out of the woodwork. The message that she was sending was something I needed to hear! Love yourself as you are. #EveryBODYisbeautiful.

Thats when I began to embrace myself as I was. Yes, I still worked out, but my goals had shifted. For years I tried to be what people would think of as a fitness model, but my body isn’t built that way. I’m 5’2″, have a large booty, muscular but not thin thighs, and a muscular back. I hated myself for so long for what I wasn’t. I got mad at myself for not working out hard enough because no matter what I wasn’t fitness model material. After seeing the confidence Iskra exuded, I just embraced my body as it was and worked out because it made me feel good. I don’t know exactly what it was that shifted my mentally, but I guess there was just this little fire inside of me that said, “you got this.”

Fast forward a few months…I still have days where I get caught off guard with throwing daggers at my body, or see a picture of myself and think “eww I look fat.” It happens, and I’m sure it will forever, but I’m a lot more confident now than ever. It’s ironic how when my confidence goes up, external forces are testing me. Although yesterday, had been my day where I was near breakdown.. I decided that I was going to put on my aerie swimsuit and take a photo. Aerie is donating $1 to NEDA for  every unretouched photo posted of oneself in an aerie swimsuit. NEDA is the National Eating Disorder Awareness organization. Aerie is one of their sponsors. Aerie prides themselves for developing a line of clothing that is made to make every woman feel beautiful. It’s actually a breath of fresh air! They don’t retouch any of their models on their clothing website! Love that! YESSSS for #AerieReal. Thank you!

So in my journey of confidence, I have decided to post my photo in my aerie scoop one piece! What I have realized while typing all of this is that we all suffer at different points in our lives. We have days where we feel on top of the world, and others where we feel that we are bearing the world on our backs. So I guess it is safe to say that I still do not know whether confidence is a journey or a destination.