Confidence: is it a journey or destination?

Lately I’ve been on the never ending roller coaster. You know the kind that just keep going in a bunch of loops, and then when you think the ride has ended; you find yourself dragged away in the opposite direction going through all the damn hills and loops again? Seriously… I don’t like heights, and I just want off!

Yesterday felt like everytime I tried to climb off of it, my seatbelt wouldn’t unhook and the bars wouldn’t lift up! I don’t remember ever being on the verge of a nervous breakdown in my life. Even through my lowest points where I was battling with ED.. I wasn’t that down.

Just to give a little insight into my current situation. I got married almost a year ago. I moved to Florida with my fiancé prior to getting married because we wanted to start our lives in a warm climate. My dream was always to travel. He supported my dream. We lived in Florida, and got married in San Francisco (traveling fools! Yes I know…)During this time he was in the process of going through a change in employment. If he landed the job it would bring it to Georgia for 8 months for training. Well he got it! It’s a major accomplishment, and we’ve been in Georgia since August. Our first year of marriage basically consisted of relocating, and seeing each other once a week due to his schedule. It’s been mind boggling, and crazy. I definitely feel for military spouses. While this journey has humbled me, it has also saddended me. We are set to leave here in a couple weeks, and start our lives again in South Florida.

This process has put my career on hold, but we both made the sacrifice for the betterment of our futures. Not being able to move forward in my career while here has definitely drained my confidence. I find myself talking to the walls, crying and breaking down a lot. I feel lost at times. Yesterday, I was near a breakdown. It feels as it gets closer to the day we are leaving, the harder it gets. I do talk to our dog too, whom is a wonderful Therapawst. Hehe..

You are probably wondering how this all ties in with the confidence thing right? After all, that’s the title of this blog. Well, honestly it was the first thing that came to mind while typing.

When my husband and I met, I was battling ED. I portrayed this image of everything being fine, and I put myself together pretty well on the outside. On the inside, I was suffering. Not depressed like the roller coaster I was on yesterday, but lost. I was trying so hard to find myself, that I just kept getting more lost. I began my recovery in late 2014, and made a promise to myself that I would keep fighting. I had some setbacks through the journey, but it was expected.

Abour a year ago….prior to getting married, I thought to myself one day; what would happen if you just stopped trying to become who you are, and just let the process happen on it’s own? I mean nothing else was working so I decided to go with that.

As I began to just sort of allow myself to feel, to be, to believe, and become whatever I was supposed to become I found that it was more about unbecoming everything I wasn’t to just be who I was in the first place. Kind of ironic.

Within a week of letting go of the obsessions to look a certain way, and be a certain successful I stumbled across and article on Iskra Lawrence. You know her. She’s the beautiful, confident, and stunning aerie model that is all about loving your body and positive vibes. I thought to myself.. ok see what happens when you make room for things to just be? Good things come out of the woodwork. The message that she was sending was something I needed to hear! Love yourself as you are. #EveryBODYisbeautiful.

Thats when I began to embrace myself as I was. Yes, I still worked out, but my goals had shifted. For years I tried to be what people would think of as a fitness model, but my body isn’t built that way. I’m 5’2″, have a large booty, muscular but not thin thighs, and a muscular back. I hated myself for so long for what I wasn’t. I got mad at myself for not working out hard enough because no matter what I wasn’t fitness model material. After seeing the confidence Iskra exuded, I just embraced my body as it was and worked out because it made me feel good. I don’t know exactly what it was that shifted my mentally, but I guess there was just this little fire inside of me that said, “you got this.”

Fast forward a few months…I still have days where I get caught off guard with throwing daggers at my body, or see a picture of myself and think “eww I look fat.” It happens, and I’m sure it will forever, but I’m a lot more confident now than ever. It’s ironic how when my confidence goes up, external forces are testing me. Although yesterday, had been my day where I was near breakdown.. I decided that I was going to put on my aerie swimsuit and take a photo. Aerie is donating $1 to NEDA for  every unretouched photo posted of oneself in an aerie swimsuit. NEDA is the National Eating Disorder Awareness organization. Aerie is one of their sponsors. Aerie prides themselves for developing a line of clothing that is made to make every woman feel beautiful. It’s actually a breath of fresh air! They don’t retouch any of their models on their clothing website! Love that! YESSSS for #AerieReal. Thank you!

So in my journey of confidence, I have decided to post my photo in my aerie scoop one piece! What I have realized while typing all of this is that we all suffer at different points in our lives. We have days where we feel on top of the world, and others where we feel that we are bearing the world on our backs. So I guess it is safe to say that I still do not know whether confidence is a journey or a destination.





Finding Pop Pilates & Piit28

After I reached my one year mark in my recovery from an eating disorder last year; I still felt like something was missing. I saw a lot of newly trending yoga and pilates posts on Instagram, and all over social media sites. Thinking I was immediately going to just be as good as the girls in the pictures, I tried out some crazy yoga pose. And I fell over, and got really frustrated. I started to google yoga for beginners, and all sites pop up on how to control breathing, beginner stretches, posture, hot yoga. Ohh so overwhelming. I then went on Youtube, and accidentally found Blogilates. I typed in Pilates for beginners, and found Cassey Ho’s video from 2009. It was a beginner’s pilates workout, and I died and went to pilates heaven at that point. From the minute I hit play I fell in love with Cassey’s positive and radiant energy. I was hooked! I did that video 3 times a week until I found her actual channel, and started doing all of the other videos. I still cannot get enough.

Since finding Pop Pilates, my entire lifestyle has changed. I came from a weightlifting background. I’ve always been athletic and in shape, but never flexible or truly satisified with how I looked. Pop Pilates has not only taught me how to do splits or and eagle crunch, but it gave me a lot more confidence. My body began to change and become leaner, and my posture had began to drastically improve. But the change was more than physical. It ran deeper than that. The change was mostly mental. I gained so much confidence in myself. I reached not only the physical goal I have been trying to achieve, but the mental goal I never thought attainable.

I have had horrible body image issues my entire life. I developed an eating disorder really early on in childhood years, and have been in denial about it for over 12 years. It was not until I started my graduate program in school that I started opening up about it. I have been in recovery almost two years, and I still struggle with body image issues at times. I still sometimes compare myself to Instagram models or others. I still get down on myself for splurging in cheat meals. It happens, but it happens less frequent ly than it ever did. Doing Pop Pilates, and then joining Cassey’s Piit28 program was the best accidental find of my life. The Pop community is filled with amazing, motivational and insprirng individuals who are all about good vibes, positive energy and empowering words.

Don’t get me wrong, I still go to the gym and lift weights, but I have incorporated Piit28 and Blogilates youtube channel workouts into my regimen, and cut down on the weight training days. I needed this push, and this change. My absolute dream would be to continue spreading the love and vibes of Cassey Ho’s work out programs to help empower others. There are so many great things that I found from joining. I recently became a Pop Pilates Instructor(yayyyy), but I also do the  Blogilates youtube channel workouts daily, and guess what??? They are free!! Cassey gives a monthly free workout calendar on her website that is printable full of the workouts broken down day to day. The Piit28 program takes some of her signature pop pilates moves and combines them with high intensivity interval training workouts. Willpower, strength and determination plus piit28 equals a recipe for success. The greatest outcome will be a boost of confidence. I signed up for Piit28 1.0 and completed it. Then she came out wit Piit2.0 and I couldn’t help but to join that too. The Piit28 program comes with a cost, but for me the result was well worth it. To me, the mental strength I gained meant more to my recovery and wellbeing than the money spent. The best part is that I will have access to the Piit28 workouts forever without having to repay! ahhhh! 🙂


Blogilates free monthly calendar

Becoming a Pop Instructor

Piit28 Powerpack full program

Piit28 1.0 just workouts and calendar

Entire piit28 1.0 program
Sign up to be a Pop Pilates instructor! Links below

For Pop trainings :

For international Pop trainings :