Confidence: is it a journey or destination?

Lately I’ve been on the never ending roller coaster. You know the kind that just keep going in a bunch of loops, and then when you think the ride has ended; you find yourself dragged away in the opposite direction going through all the damn hills and loops again? Seriously… I don’t like heights, and I just want off!

Yesterday felt like everytime I tried to climb off of it, my seatbelt wouldn’t unhook and the bars wouldn’t lift up! I don’t remember ever being on the verge of a nervous breakdown in my life. Even through my lowest points where I was battling with ED.. I wasn’t that down.

Just to give a little insight into my current situation. I got married almost a year ago. I moved to Florida with my fianc√© prior to getting married because we wanted to start our lives in a warm climate. My dream was always to travel. He supported my dream. We lived in Florida, and got married in San Francisco (traveling fools! Yes I know…)During this time he was in the process of going through a change in employment. If he landed the job it would bring it to Georgia for 8 months for training. Well he got it! It’s a major accomplishment, and we’ve been in Georgia since August. Our first year of marriage basically consisted of relocating, and seeing each other once a week due to his schedule. It’s been mind boggling, and crazy. I definitely feel for military spouses. While this journey has humbled me, it has also saddended me. We are set to leave here in a couple weeks, and start our lives again in South Florida.

This process has put my career on hold, but we both made the sacrifice for the betterment of our futures. Not being able to move forward in my career while here has definitely drained my confidence. I find myself talking to the walls, crying and breaking down a lot. I feel lost at times. Yesterday, I was near a breakdown. It feels as it gets closer to the day we are leaving, the harder it gets. I do talk to our dog too, whom is a wonderful Therapawst. Hehe..

You are probably wondering how this all ties in with the confidence thing right? After all, that’s the title of this blog. Well, honestly it was the first thing that came to mind while typing.

When my husband and I met, I was battling ED. I portrayed this image of everything being fine, and I put myself together pretty well on the outside. On the inside, I was suffering. Not depressed like the roller coaster I was on yesterday, but lost. I was trying so hard to find myself, that I just kept getting more lost. I began my recovery in late 2014, and made a promise to myself that I would keep fighting. I had some setbacks through the journey, but it was expected.

Abour a year ago….prior to getting married, I thought to myself one day; what would happen if you just stopped trying to become who you are, and just let the process happen on it’s own? I mean nothing else was working so I decided to go with that.

As I began to just sort of allow myself to feel, to be, to believe, and become whatever I was supposed to become I found that it was more about unbecoming everything I wasn’t to just be who I was in the first place. Kind of ironic.

Within a week of letting go of the obsessions to look a certain way, and be a certain successful I stumbled across and article on Iskra Lawrence. You know her. She’s the beautiful, confident, and stunning aerie model that is all about loving your body and positive vibes. I thought to myself.. ok see what happens when you make room for things to just be? Good things come out of the woodwork. The message that she was sending was something I needed to hear! Love yourself as you are. #EveryBODYisbeautiful.

Thats when I began to embrace myself as I was. Yes, I still worked out, but my goals had shifted. For years I tried to be what people would think of as a fitness model, but my body isn’t built that way. I’m 5’2″, have a large booty, muscular but not thin thighs, and a muscular back. I hated myself for so long for what I wasn’t. I got mad at myself for not working out hard enough because no matter what I wasn’t fitness model material. After seeing the confidence Iskra exuded, I just embraced my body as it was and worked out because it made me feel good. I don’t know exactly what it was that shifted my mentally, but I guess there was just this little fire inside of me that said, “you got this.”

Fast forward a few months…I still have days where I get caught off guard with throwing daggers at my body, or see a picture of myself and think “eww I look fat.” It happens, and I’m sure it will forever, but I’m a lot more confident now than ever. It’s ironic how when my confidence goes up, external forces are testing me. Although yesterday, had been my day where I was near breakdown.. I decided that I was going to put on my aerie swimsuit and take a photo. Aerie is donating $1 to NEDA for  every unretouched photo posted of oneself in an aerie swimsuit. NEDA is the National Eating Disorder Awareness organization. Aerie is one of their sponsors. Aerie prides themselves for developing a line of clothing that is made to make every woman feel beautiful. It’s actually a breath of fresh air! They don’t retouch any of their models on their clothing website! Love that! YESSSS for #AerieReal. Thank you!

So in my journey of confidence, I have decided to post my photo in my aerie scoop one piece! What I have realized while typing all of this is that we all suffer at different points in our lives. We have days where we feel on top of the world, and others where we feel that we are bearing the world on our backs. So I guess it is safe to say that I still do not know whether confidence is a journey or a destination.






Purchasing online workouts… Why I chose Piit28, and the results!

ho96Z7gBR2qHU3jwrnwA_PIIT LOGINAs I have stated so many times, I was in major denial of my Ed. Along with being consumed by the eating aspect of it, I was also consumed with working out to the extreme. Piit28 has changed my life in more ways than just one.

I used to spend countless hours in the gym taking all of these crazy supplements, and lifting really heavy. I am naturally strong, but I kept trying to prove to myself how strong I was by lifting way too heavy. I didn’t need to lift that way, and I ended up bulking up because I was taking creatine and other stuff. Not that it’s a bad thing to take supplements, but as my husband said “you’re working towards a goal you don’t want to achieve.” I hated how I looked because I was bulky and clothes did not fit right so immediately I always freaked out when I looked at myself in pictures thinking I was so big and so fat. I didn’t see muscle, I saw just big, fat and ugly. I’m very short so it was intensified of course.

About a year ago I found blogilates by accident on YouTube, and it was a godsend. I started doing the workouts, and they were free which was awesome. I followed Cassey on Instagram, and slowly realized there was an entire pop community that did the workouts too.

I loved everything that Blogilates stood for, and still stands for. The entire community is made up of beautiful, empowering, encouraging, good vibing, non judgmental and awesome individuals. It was an escape from reality for me. I loved and still do love being in the blogilates world because I am able to be myself, and be accepted for it.

As time went on, I downloaded the free monthly calendars on Blogilates website that were all broken down by the day into working different body parts.

Then Cassey came out with this program called Piit28. Whatttt??? Pilates Intense Interval training. I think I died and went to Pilates heaven. I loved doing the daily workouts on the calendar because they made me feel good, happy and sore. Cassey had this beautiful, graceful and vibe about her that I loved. As these workouts increased, my heavy lifting decreased. I started to get leaner with doing the workouts, and I wasn’t trying to. I was having fun, and working out at the same time.

So I ordered Piit28. Yes this does cost a little bit, but I ordered the basic one with the calendar and daily workout. It was $39, and then I was quickly emailed the program. All of it was easy to pull up on my iPad daily to do.

I loved piit28. I did the 1.0 program for two rounds. Then she came out with 2.0, and I just had to have it. The second one was harder, but I was ready for it. I also did that for two rounds. The cool thing is once they were purchased, I had access to them forever.

The results of doing piit28 for 28 days each at a time was not only physical, but mental. I did get leaner, I did lose a couple of pounds, and my strength/flexibility was through the roof. But the biggest change was mentally. I was having fun, and working out to Cassey pushing me, encouraging and empowering me.

The best part of it all is being a part of the Pop community, and going through the transformation of the workouts together with everyone. It’s so amazing.

To try piit28 out click the link below:

Power pack the complete workout
Piit28 workout
Piit28 day reset

Ignoring Ed’s demands..He may be tough, but I’m tougher.¬†

For as long as I can remember, my eating disorder was something I was in denial of. I always thought to myself that I could control it, and just quit it whenever I wanted to.

That was denial all in itself. Every time I thought I had quit, Ed paid me a little visit. I refer to the voice in my head as Ed. Putting a name to it helped me to view my issue as a separate entity than myself. It helped me to not define myself by having an eating disorder, but rather see that it was something that I had, something I was dealing with, and something I could not just stop when I wanted to.

I remember trying to stop multiple times, and each time the body dysmorphia was real. Seriously, it was real. When I indulged in a piece of cake and thought I could be normal and just have a piece and go about my day. Nope! The cake haunted me! Ed was saying “eat it all. Just eat the whole thing! Then you can throw it up and you win.” Ugh no Ed you win, not me. But I ended up following his demands. Ed had control over me.

I have been in a few different relationships and friendshipsthat were controlling, and toxic. They ended luckily, and I never looked back. I had some issues with my now husband early on because I thought he was trying to control me. He wasn’t though, but it took a while to build awareness around it all. Any time someone tried to give me advice on anything in life I took it as they were trying to control me. My husband did some research on his end when he found out about Ed. He tried to understand it, and he’s been really supportive. It was really hard to separate his support from control early on though. The control triggers I was experiencing were due to being in ed’s control. I still get caught up sometimes in hearing his voice, but I just wink and say “try me!” I don’t give in, and I kick his a$$ in my mind.

Anyway, back to the denial. A lot of times I found myself writing my term papers on negative effects of eating disorders, or trying to promote this whole positive front that I was putting on. I did well with pretending things were perfect, and putting on this mask. To this day my family still doesn’t know about my eating disorder. They may have an idea, but I’ve never come out and said it, and it was never teally talked about even if they did know. My mom, bless her great heart. I love her to death, and she is now my best friend. But she always had this way of portraying a perfect image, and acted as if we all had the perfect life. It was hard to keep up with, and it was hard to keep up with the control she had over me. So I tried to take back control, but instead I handed my control to Ed on a silver platter. Oh the irony. Looking back, those term papers and positivity movement I was trying to put on were basically me screaming “please save me someone!”

Now, I promote the love yourself first, and accept your flaws movement. I do so without fear, and without trying to be perfect. This is me, and I have accepted it. Screw off Ed! You’re no longer welcome here!