Confidence: is it a journey or destination?

Lately I’ve been on the never ending roller coaster. You know the kind that just keep going in a bunch of loops, and then when you think the ride has ended; you find yourself dragged away in the opposite direction going through all the damn hills and loops again? Seriously… I don’t like heights, and I just want off!

Yesterday felt like everytime I tried to climb off of it, my seatbelt wouldn’t unhook and the bars wouldn’t lift up! I don’t remember ever being on the verge of a nervous breakdown in my life. Even through my lowest points where I was battling with ED.. I wasn’t that down.

Just to give a little insight into my current situation. I got married almost a year ago. I moved to Florida with my fiancé prior to getting married because we wanted to start our lives in a warm climate. My dream was always to travel. He supported my dream. We lived in Florida, and got married in San Francisco (traveling fools! Yes I know…)During this time he was in the process of going through a change in employment. If he landed the job it would bring it to Georgia for 8 months for training. Well he got it! It’s a major accomplishment, and we’ve been in Georgia since August. Our first year of marriage basically consisted of relocating, and seeing each other once a week due to his schedule. It’s been mind boggling, and crazy. I definitely feel for military spouses. While this journey has humbled me, it has also saddended me. We are set to leave here in a couple weeks, and start our lives again in South Florida.

This process has put my career on hold, but we both made the sacrifice for the betterment of our futures. Not being able to move forward in my career while here has definitely drained my confidence. I find myself talking to the walls, crying and breaking down a lot. I feel lost at times. Yesterday, I was near a breakdown. It feels as it gets closer to the day we are leaving, the harder it gets. I do talk to our dog too, whom is a wonderful Therapawst. Hehe..

You are probably wondering how this all ties in with the confidence thing right? After all, that’s the title of this blog. Well, honestly it was the first thing that came to mind while typing.

When my husband and I met, I was battling ED. I portrayed this image of everything being fine, and I put myself together pretty well on the outside. On the inside, I was suffering. Not depressed like the roller coaster I was on yesterday, but lost. I was trying so hard to find myself, that I just kept getting more lost. I began my recovery in late 2014, and made a promise to myself that I would keep fighting. I had some setbacks through the journey, but it was expected.

Abour a year ago….prior to getting married, I thought to myself one day; what would happen if you just stopped trying to become who you are, and just let the process happen on it’s own? I mean nothing else was working so I decided to go with that.

As I began to just sort of allow myself to feel, to be, to believe, and become whatever I was supposed to become I found that it was more about unbecoming everything I wasn’t to just be who I was in the first place. Kind of ironic.

Within a week of letting go of the obsessions to look a certain way, and be a certain successful I stumbled across and article on Iskra Lawrence. You know her. She’s the beautiful, confident, and stunning aerie model that is all about loving your body and positive vibes. I thought to myself.. ok see what happens when you make room for things to just be? Good things come out of the woodwork. The message that she was sending was something I needed to hear! Love yourself as you are. #EveryBODYisbeautiful.

Thats when I began to embrace myself as I was. Yes, I still worked out, but my goals had shifted. For years I tried to be what people would think of as a fitness model, but my body isn’t built that way. I’m 5’2″, have a large booty, muscular but not thin thighs, and a muscular back. I hated myself for so long for what I wasn’t. I got mad at myself for not working out hard enough because no matter what I wasn’t fitness model material. After seeing the confidence Iskra exuded, I just embraced my body as it was and worked out because it made me feel good. I don’t know exactly what it was that shifted my mentally, but I guess there was just this little fire inside of me that said, “you got this.”

Fast forward a few months…I still have days where I get caught off guard with throwing daggers at my body, or see a picture of myself and think “eww I look fat.” It happens, and I’m sure it will forever, but I’m a lot more confident now than ever. It’s ironic how when my confidence goes up, external forces are testing me. Although yesterday, had been my day where I was near breakdown.. I decided that I was going to put on my aerie swimsuit and take a photo. Aerie is donating $1 to NEDA for  every unretouched photo posted of oneself in an aerie swimsuit. NEDA is the National Eating Disorder Awareness organization. Aerie is one of their sponsors. Aerie prides themselves for developing a line of clothing that is made to make every woman feel beautiful. It’s actually a breath of fresh air! They don’t retouch any of their models on their clothing website! Love that! YESSSS for #AerieReal. Thank you!

So in my journey of confidence, I have decided to post my photo in my aerie scoop one piece! What I have realized while typing all of this is that we all suffer at different points in our lives. We have days where we feel on top of the world, and others where we feel that we are bearing the world on our backs. So I guess it is safe to say that I still do not know whether confidence is a journey or a destination.





Purchasing online workouts… Why I chose Piit28, and the results!

ho96Z7gBR2qHU3jwrnwA_PIIT LOGINAs I have stated so many times, I was in major denial of my Ed. Along with being consumed by the eating aspect of it, I was also consumed with working out to the extreme. Piit28 has changed my life in more ways than just one.

I used to spend countless hours in the gym taking all of these crazy supplements, and lifting really heavy. I am naturally strong, but I kept trying to prove to myself how strong I was by lifting way too heavy. I didn’t need to lift that way, and I ended up bulking up because I was taking creatine and other stuff. Not that it’s a bad thing to take supplements, but as my husband said “you’re working towards a goal you don’t want to achieve.” I hated how I looked because I was bulky and clothes did not fit right so immediately I always freaked out when I looked at myself in pictures thinking I was so big and so fat. I didn’t see muscle, I saw just big, fat and ugly. I’m very short so it was intensified of course.

About a year ago I found blogilates by accident on YouTube, and it was a godsend. I started doing the workouts, and they were free which was awesome. I followed Cassey on Instagram, and slowly realized there was an entire pop community that did the workouts too.

I loved everything that Blogilates stood for, and still stands for. The entire community is made up of beautiful, empowering, encouraging, good vibing, non judgmental and awesome individuals. It was an escape from reality for me. I loved and still do love being in the blogilates world because I am able to be myself, and be accepted for it.

As time went on, I downloaded the free monthly calendars on Blogilates website that were all broken down by the day into working different body parts.

Then Cassey came out with this program called Piit28. Whatttt??? Pilates Intense Interval training. I think I died and went to Pilates heaven. I loved doing the daily workouts on the calendar because they made me feel good, happy and sore. Cassey had this beautiful, graceful and vibe about her that I loved. As these workouts increased, my heavy lifting decreased. I started to get leaner with doing the workouts, and I wasn’t trying to. I was having fun, and working out at the same time.

So I ordered Piit28. Yes this does cost a little bit, but I ordered the basic one with the calendar and daily workout. It was $39, and then I was quickly emailed the program. All of it was easy to pull up on my iPad daily to do.

I loved piit28. I did the 1.0 program for two rounds. Then she came out with 2.0, and I just had to have it. The second one was harder, but I was ready for it. I also did that for two rounds. The cool thing is once they were purchased, I had access to them forever.

The results of doing piit28 for 28 days each at a time was not only physical, but mental. I did get leaner, I did lose a couple of pounds, and my strength/flexibility was through the roof. But the biggest change was mentally. I was having fun, and working out to Cassey pushing me, encouraging and empowering me.

The best part of it all is being a part of the Pop community, and going through the transformation of the workouts together with everyone. It’s so amazing.

To try piit28 out click the link below:

Power pack the complete workout
Piit28 workout
Piit28 day reset

Ignoring Ed’s demands..He may be tough, but I’m tougher. 

For as long as I can remember, my eating disorder was something I was in denial of. I always thought to myself that I could control it, and just quit it whenever I wanted to.

That was denial all in itself. Every time I thought I had quit, Ed paid me a little visit. I refer to the voice in my head as Ed. Putting a name to it helped me to view my issue as a separate entity than myself. It helped me to not define myself by having an eating disorder, but rather see that it was something that I had, something I was dealing with, and something I could not just stop when I wanted to.

I remember trying to stop multiple times, and each time the body dysmorphia was real. Seriously, it was real. When I indulged in a piece of cake and thought I could be normal and just have a piece and go about my day. Nope! The cake haunted me! Ed was saying “eat it all. Just eat the whole thing! Then you can throw it up and you win.” Ugh no Ed you win, not me. But I ended up following his demands. Ed had control over me.

I have been in a few different relationships and friendshipsthat were controlling, and toxic. They ended luckily, and I never looked back. I had some issues with my now husband early on because I thought he was trying to control me. He wasn’t though, but it took a while to build awareness around it all. Any time someone tried to give me advice on anything in life I took it as they were trying to control me. My husband did some research on his end when he found out about Ed. He tried to understand it, and he’s been really supportive. It was really hard to separate his support from control early on though. The control triggers I was experiencing were due to being in ed’s control. I still get caught up sometimes in hearing his voice, but I just wink and say “try me!” I don’t give in, and I kick his a$$ in my mind.

Anyway, back to the denial. A lot of times I found myself writing my term papers on negative effects of eating disorders, or trying to promote this whole positive front that I was putting on. I did well with pretending things were perfect, and putting on this mask. To this day my family still doesn’t know about my eating disorder. They may have an idea, but I’ve never come out and said it, and it was never teally talked about even if they did know. My mom, bless her great heart. I love her to death, and she is now my best friend. But she always had this way of portraying a perfect image, and acted as if we all had the perfect life. It was hard to keep up with, and it was hard to keep up with the control she had over me. So I tried to take back control, but instead I handed my control to Ed on a silver platter. Oh the irony. Looking back, those term papers and positivity movement I was trying to put on were basically me screaming “please save me someone!”

Now, I promote the love yourself first, and accept your flaws movement. I do so without fear, and without trying to be perfect. This is me, and I have accepted it. Screw off Ed! You’re no longer welcome here!

Wedding Day

April 23rd 2016. The day I married my best friend, number one supporter and other half. Also, the day I officially became the mom to our furbaby Kobe. He was my husband’s pride and joy until I came into the mix about three years ago. Then I slowly became Kobe’s mama, and we officially became a family when we said I do.

Our wedding was a destination style wedding. Ever since we visited the city of San Francisco on our first vacation together, I said “wow I would love to get married here on day.” We were only dating a couple months at the time, and it was just a passing thought. We weren’t even engaged yet.

We got engaged two years prior to the date of our wedding. I’ll save the details for another post lol. But once we got the blessing of our families for the destination wedding we took a trip back out there across of the country (did I mention we live on the east coast?). We found this rustic looking place situated on a golf course just outside of the city. I fell in love immediately. We went home, showed our families pictures and booked it right away. I did not want a bridal shower, and we didn’t do the bachelorette and stag festivities. All we wanted was this destination wedding with our loved ones by our side.

Fast forward two years… Our wedding week was slightly tiring, but will always be remembered. We did a smaller wedding with close friends and family. We are still so shocked that 60 people flew across the country for us.But having that many fly out meant having to accomodate for that many. We had plans lined up for the week that included visiting Napa Valley, Alcatraz, rehearsal dinner and various dinner/drink outings. From renting buses for transportation, to giving directions and helping everyone with their travel plans…we were exhausted. Well should I say my hubby was exhausted. He did the most of the work with all of that. I did the hard stuff like picking out wedding flowers and colors. Haha..I’m joking.

On our wedding day, I chose to have both my step father and father walk me down the aisle. I was blessed to have two dads (in case I tripped on the walk, one would catch me.) I walked down the aisle to “Mama’s Song” by Carrie Underwood. It felt like it was over in two seconds. The entire night flew by so fast. My mother surprised us with a wedding videographer. We couldn’t swing the cost of one because we wanted to celebrate with everyone for the week so we spent the money on transportation for everyone to and from all of the week’s festivities so we could make memories to last forever! It was an amazing surprise.

Seeing my husband cry when I reached him at the end of the aisle was insane. I have never even seen him shed a tear, and he looked at me with such love. I have never been a huge fan of big weddings and spending tons of money on them. I know a lot of people do it, and there is nothing wrong with it. It just was not my taste. Our wedding was small, but we got a chance to mingle with everyone. Everyone that was there truly wanted to be because they made the flight for us.

About a month and a half after our wedding, my step grandma passed away (step dad’s mom). It happened suddenly, and was a shock to everyone because she was really healthy. The last memories made with her are her at our wedding walking down the aisle with a smile. And that will be how we will remember her. Once again, thanks mom for the videography 🙂

Finding Pop Pilates & Piit28

After I reached my one year mark in my recovery from an eating disorder last year; I still felt like something was missing. I saw a lot of newly trending yoga and pilates posts on Instagram, and all over social media sites. Thinking I was immediately going to just be as good as the girls in the pictures, I tried out some crazy yoga pose. And I fell over, and got really frustrated. I started to google yoga for beginners, and all sites pop up on how to control breathing, beginner stretches, posture, hot yoga. Ohh so overwhelming. I then went on Youtube, and accidentally found Blogilates. I typed in Pilates for beginners, and found Cassey Ho’s video from 2009. It was a beginner’s pilates workout, and I died and went to pilates heaven at that point. From the minute I hit play I fell in love with Cassey’s positive and radiant energy. I was hooked! I did that video 3 times a week until I found her actual channel, and started doing all of the other videos. I still cannot get enough.

Since finding Pop Pilates, my entire lifestyle has changed. I came from a weightlifting background. I’ve always been athletic and in shape, but never flexible or truly satisified with how I looked. Pop Pilates has not only taught me how to do splits or and eagle crunch, but it gave me a lot more confidence. My body began to change and become leaner, and my posture had began to drastically improve. But the change was more than physical. It ran deeper than that. The change was mostly mental. I gained so much confidence in myself. I reached not only the physical goal I have been trying to achieve, but the mental goal I never thought attainable.

I have had horrible body image issues my entire life. I developed an eating disorder really early on in childhood years, and have been in denial about it for over 12 years. It was not until I started my graduate program in school that I started opening up about it. I have been in recovery almost two years, and I still struggle with body image issues at times. I still sometimes compare myself to Instagram models or others. I still get down on myself for splurging in cheat meals. It happens, but it happens less frequent ly than it ever did. Doing Pop Pilates, and then joining Cassey’s Piit28 program was the best accidental find of my life. The Pop community is filled with amazing, motivational and insprirng individuals who are all about good vibes, positive energy and empowering words.

Don’t get me wrong, I still go to the gym and lift weights, but I have incorporated Piit28 and Blogilates youtube channel workouts into my regimen, and cut down on the weight training days. I needed this push, and this change. My absolute dream would be to continue spreading the love and vibes of Cassey Ho’s work out programs to help empower others. There are so many great things that I found from joining. I recently became a Pop Pilates Instructor(yayyyy), but I also do the  Blogilates youtube channel workouts daily, and guess what??? They are free!! Cassey gives a monthly free workout calendar on her website that is printable full of the workouts broken down day to day. The Piit28 program takes some of her signature pop pilates moves and combines them with high intensivity interval training workouts. Willpower, strength and determination plus piit28 equals a recipe for success. The greatest outcome will be a boost of confidence. I signed up for Piit28 1.0 and completed it. Then she came out wit Piit2.0 and I couldn’t help but to join that too. The Piit28 program comes with a cost, but for me the result was well worth it. To me, the mental strength I gained meant more to my recovery and wellbeing than the money spent. The best part is that I will have access to the Piit28 workouts forever without having to repay! ahhhh! 🙂


Blogilates free monthly calendar

Becoming a Pop Instructor

Piit28 Powerpack full program

Piit28 1.0 just workouts and calendar

Entire piit28 1.0 program
Sign up to be a Pop Pilates instructor! Links below

For Pop trainings :

For international Pop trainings :