For as long as I can remember, my eating disorder was something I was in denial of. I always thought to myself that I could control it, and just quit it whenever I wanted to.
That was denial all in itself. Every time I thought I had quit, Ed paid me a little visit. I refer to the voice in my head as Ed. Putting a name to it helped me to view my issue as a separate entity than myself. It helped me to not define myself by having an eating disorder, but rather see that it was something that I had, something I was dealing with, and something I could not just stop when I wanted to.
I remember trying to stop multiple times, and each time the body dysmorphia was real. Seriously, it was real. When I indulged in a piece of cake and thought I could be normal and just have a piece and go about my day. Nope! The cake haunted me! Ed was saying “eat it all. Just eat the whole thing! Then you can throw it up and you win.” Ugh no Ed you win, not me. But I ended up following his demands. Ed had control over me.
I have been in a few different relationships and friendshipsthat were controlling, and toxic. They ended luckily, and I never looked back. I had some issues with my now husband early on because I thought he was trying to control me. He wasn’t though, but it took a while to build awareness around it all. Any time someone tried to give me advice on anything in life I took it as they were trying to control me. My husband did some research on his end when he found out about Ed. He tried to understand it, and he’s been really supportive. It was really hard to separate his support from control early on though. The control triggers I was experiencing were due to being in ed’s control. I still get caught up sometimes in hearing his voice, but I just wink and say “try me!” I don’t give in, and I kick his a$$ in my mind.
Anyway, back to the denial. A lot of times I found myself writing my term papers on negative effects of eating disorders, or trying to promote this whole positive front that I was putting on. I did well with pretending things were perfect, and putting on this mask. To this day my family still doesn’t know about my eating disorder. They may have an idea, but I’ve never come out and said it, and it was never teally talked about even if they did know. My mom, bless her great heart. I love her to death, and she is now my best friend. But she always had this way of portraying a perfect image, and acted as if we all had the perfect life. It was hard to keep up with, and it was hard to keep up with the control she had over me. So I tried to take back control, but instead I handed my control to Ed on a silver platter. Oh the irony. Looking back, those term papers and positivity movement I was trying to put on were basically me screaming “please save me someone!”
Now, I promote the love yourself first, and accept your flaws movement. I do so without fear, and without trying to be perfect. This is me, and I have accepted it. Screw off Ed! You’re no longer welcome here!